Last year, May 2017 seemed like 100 years away; I did not know it would come by this fast. Same time last year, I was 34 weeks pregnant with my second son!
It had been a difficult pregnancy (I wrote about my fibroids in a previous article). I had a low lying placenta so my fear was bleeding if I put too much pressure on my tummy or self, my fibroids were being starved and degenerating above this I was way too big for the size of the baby I was carrying.
All those things were difficult but I had a coping mechanism; pain killers, rest, elevating my legs and taking supplements. The emotion roller coaster was overwhelming, one moment it was happiness and then another of sadness ,honestly it felt like I was going insane and out of control. We wanted another baby, we had lost one in the process and decided that a second baby would be appropriate, but I was simply conflicted about the timing or simply going mad.
During this period I was getting into a business and a shift of attention to this new venture if it were to succeed. I thought about my new baby and wondered if I would love him as much as I loved his brother and how long it would take me to be ‘free’ again(i know it sounds weird).
Now that we are in May and he is almost turning 1 I have had to ask myself what the worry was about being totally honest, I feel a little guilty.
In the last year I must say I have seen Gods faithfulness in my life and His grace has been way to sufficient for me. You see what I didn’t realise was that, I was going into depression-pre natal and after the baby came, post natal and part of the reason was because I was worrying about stuff that I could not control.
How many times do we look at other people and want to be in their season? Or want to be like them and yet we do not know their journey. I wanted to earn a living and I convinced myself my season for being home was over, yet I was trying to have a second child! Can you imagine how confusing that was in my head? So I wrote a letter to God and told Him to deliver me from my emotional sadness and give me the wisdom to know what direction He wanted me to take in as far as my home, life and career. He did. I read that letter last week and I was just amazed at how the Grace of God got me out of a dark and weiry place. I was humbled and grateful that God chose to answer my prayers and show me that indeed He gently leads his flock; Isaiah 40:11 and that He has the best plans for me in my life.
Someone once said parenting is a journey of self-discovery, you think you are raising kids but they are actually revealing to you things about yourself that you did not know. I never knew I could hit such lows in life and get to such highs while watching my children grow, one thing I am sure of is that I am happy to be a mom.